Phil McKee doesn't act like the world thinks he should. This 51-year old African American man with 25 years experience in the corporate world doesn't go to an office anymore. Nor is he in any rush to change that. For now, he's content caring for his three children ages 5, 10 and 13.

But most everyone's reaction to his decision to retire early and raise his family has surprised him. Sometimes he feels he has to justify his choice.

“I had the opportunity,” he explains. “My wife has a good job. I wanted to figure out what else I might do in my career and to raise my family.”

That wasn't possible when he worked at Procter & Gamble as a Section Manager in Information Systems, and he dropped his kids off at 7:30 and picked them up at 6.

“I felt guilty always dropping them off and picking them up. Things were out of balance. Now I could do something about that.”

Although it started off rocky because, “I didn't know what to do with them,” his new role has been just what he hoped for. He walks his daughter to and from school. He takes his kids fishing and swimming and helps with homework. He makes fresh bread for them. He also exercises and eats right now.

The troubling reaction he has gotten is from people who don't think it's OK for a man to stay at home.

“My wife and I were at a party one night and when this woman asked me what I did, and then said, ‘You're a kept man,' it didn't make me feel good. I'm sensitive about this. I was raised to believe I should be working. It brought back all the stereotypes. So now I felt this external and internal pressure that it wasn't OK to stay at home.”

Other people give him blank looks when he explains he's a stay-at-home dad. “They say, ‘Oh,' and ask what I'm going to do next. I don't think they'd say that to a woman.”

Although the estimated number of married fathers with children under 15 who are not working primarily so they can care for their family while their wives work outside the home is only 189,000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number seems to be growing.

Like many women I've met who made the choice to leave the workplace to raise families, McKee struggles with how to deal with a world that feels more comfortable when they can easily categorize you. A world that either sees people as having a career or raising a family. Or where for men, staying at a home is a temporary situation and for women, an understandable, permanent choice.

Not much has changed since I first wrote about this struggle that women who opted out of work were facing ten years ago. The question just got broader: Why isn't it OK for men and women to go in and out of work based on where they are in life?

Due to outside pressure and, McKee admits, pressure he brings on himself, he says, “I feel challenged to stay motivated and feel OK about being a stay-at-home dad. It makes me wonder, is it a worthwhile role?”

Although some companies are making it easier for people to have flexibility, there needs to be more focus on creating options that allow people to have a life and a career.

There are many support groups such as Athomedad.com. But McKee says he keeps his sanity, “By going back to the reason I did this in the first place.” And that's the best support you can get.

© by Andrea Kay