My husband and I have successful careers as accountants and we have a new baby. We are trying to figure out how to get our employers to give us more flexibility so we can each contribute to our home responsibilities. My husband seems to think I should be the one talking to my employer since he says his job is less flexible than mine. So I'm the one who has to figure out how we can share in responsibilities. Any suggestions?

--C.S.

Dear C.S.:

I think it's interesting to note that mothers, rather than fathers usually do the negotiating in these situations according to studies that have been done. Men often see the job they do (even if it's the same as the woman's) as more constraining, says Francine Deutsch in Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works (Harvard University Press.)

She tells of a mail carrier who described the hours of his own job as fixed, but thought his wife's job as a seamstress was more flexible and she could cut back her hours. But he also mentioned that some of the mothers who were mail carriers in his post office had arranged to cut back their hours to spend more time at home.

A male lawyer and male doctor told similar stories. Specifically, the doctor said that in his private practice his colleagues thought it was acceptable for a female physician to negotiate a part-time schedule but not for him to do so.

So, first, I'd suggest you really explore where the truth lies. Is it "acceptable" for him to negotiate his schedule, or does he just think it isn't? Or is it just that no male at his company has ever asked? There may be more room for negotiation than he thinks.

Keep in mind too, that many couples are not able to create an egalitarian relationship in parenting and work. Many women do a disproportionate share of childcare and many men do a disproportionate share of paid labor. Some women also do more child care and paid labor.

Creating a situation in which you share equally, has more to do with how well you negotiate with each other on a daily basis than career demands, says the author. It's the small decisions like who changes diapers and cooks the meals that are the factors that shape the balance you're looking for.

© by Andrea Kay