Every woman I know has cried at work--even if she did it locked in the bathroom stall. Men hate when liquid leaks from female employees' or co-workers' eyes. Even misty-eyed women get to them. "I don't know what to do when a female cries," every man tells me. So women go to all kinds of lengths not to cry--or look like they're about to--so men don't feel uncomfortable and the women won't be seen as weak.

Women ask me for tips on how not to cry. They devise their own tactics such as never allowing a box of tissues to be seen in their offices. Tissues are a cue that crying is OK, found Kimberly Elsbach, professor of management at the University of California, Davis, Graduate School of Management in her research on the subject.

Physical distraction is another common tactic, she says, such as getting up and walking around, looking out the window or clenching one's fists. "Another is to quickly change the subject or to inject humor into the conversation."

All kinds of articles with tips on how to avoid a shameful crying moment have popped up this past week. They include getting enough sleep so you don't lose control of your emotions and anticipating emotionally charged situations. The point everyone seems to make is: if you feel emotion start to gurgle up inside you, for heaven's sake hurry up and find a way to compose yourself!

A lot of fuss was made when Senator Hillary Clinton's eyes welled up while answering a question during her presidential campaign. "Were the near tears real?" some asked. "The context of crying is very important to how it's perceived," says Elsbach. If it's "justified," people are more likely to forgive you or not question your motives. What's considered justified? Sadness over a loss, such as a death or divorce or reacting to harassment or being picked on, she says.

Why, when it comes to showing emotion, can't leaders show us who they really are? The same reason you might be afraid to do so at work--we've been told not to. People are moved when someone cries or tears up. But consultants and others tell us emphatically that business and tears don't mix--even though it's perfectly natural to cry (when we feel angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, criticized and stressed--which all happen at work) and perfectly natural to react to someone else's emotion.

At a time when we are desperate for genuineness in our leaders, it's interesting to see how some have reacted to Senator Clinton's perfectly natural show of emotion. What I heard in her words at that emotional moment was personal conviction in what she is trying to achieve. James Kouzes and Barry Posner said in their best-selling book The Leadership Challenge, that the most inspirational moments to convince others to share your dream "are marked by genuineness...heart to heart, spirit to spirit, life to life. It is when you share what is in your soul that you can truly move others." Perhaps she did that.

So what if she got a little choked up? If a man had done it, would anyone have batted an eye? Would they have praised him for being passionate? Isn't it about time we got over our weirdness about emotion being a sign of weakness--male or female?

© by 2007 Andrea Kay

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