"I'm very hurt by this and I know I'll cry. He won't like it if I cry," she said as tears rolled down her cheeks. "There's no room for crying in business."

Women sit in my office and cry all the time. They profusely apologize for reacting in a way that's as natural as sneezing as I offer the box of tissues I keep handy for these occasions.

They cry when they tell me about one disappointing job after another in their careers. The promotions they didn't get. Ways they were ignored, undermined, taken advantage of or misunderstood. Bosses who berate them. People who have belittled them or men who touched them inappropriately.

Many refuse to talk with their bosses about issues that should be addressed saying, "I can't cry in front of my boss...he won't respect me. He won't take me seriously. Why can't I talk to my boss without crying?" they've asked as they are crying about the very issue that's deeply troubling them.

Most every woman I know has cried at work (even if it's in the bathroom.) And as natural as it is for the tears to fall from their eyes when they are hurt, sad or scared, with it comes this terrible distress about not wanting to cry. The distress over not wanting to cry seems to be as bad as the issue they're crying over. It's like shining a spot light on the very thing they don't want to be seen as in business: Vulnerable, too sensitive, can't take it. Or as in the case of this latest cry, not wanting to make a man feel uncomfortable. And boy are men uncomfortable.

Men tell me they're, well, mortified when women cry. "You feel badly," described one man. "But I don't know what to do. Your initial reaction is to want to comfort someone. But doing that could be inappropriate. If you don't react, they might think you're an insensitive SOB. How do you react to a woman crying in a business setting? Beats me. As a guy, you're just doomed."

Many men are uncomfortable criticizing or questioning a women because that's when women have cried in their presence. "I've asked a women if she followed up on something or why it didn't go right and she'd cry," one man explained. "I think they worry that others will see them as incompetent."

Some men dislike crying because it arouses suspicion. "I've seen women cry as a tactic to get their way," another man said.

Tears at work also seem to be a foreign reaction for men. When things aren't going right men tend to get angry. "I had a boss who made my life difficult," a male marketing manager told me. "I had two options: punch him out or walk away. So I left the room. Did I cry? Of course not. I was just mad as hell."

Men suggest that "they should come back and talk later when they're not so emotional, so we can have a rational conversation." Not bad advice. But even after you've gone away to get more insight and discussed it with a trusted adviser, you can have a productive conversation and still need to shed some tears.

Bottom line, men and women seem to be wired differently and react differently to fear, indifference, failure and frustration. Seems to me, that's just the way it is. And after all this, if you're still wondering how you stop from crying, beats me. I'm a woman. Guess we're all doomed.

© by Andrea Kay