No matter how smart, nice and well-meaning you are or how important your message, when you speak, very few people are paying attention. You could be holding a one-on-one conversation or giving a big speech. But colleagues, bosses, employees, clients and job interviewers are thinking about lunch or when they can get to the gym, or they're weighing the pros and cons of buying a hybrid car. They're tuning out because, well, they don't care that much about what you're saying.

There's just too much competition for their attention, says Mark Wiskup, author of The "It" Factor. So when you have something you want someone to hear, you have to not only be good, accurate, and right to hold their attention. You have to build a connection.

That takes work. Just talking and hoping to make a powerful connection is like "Just setting foot in the gym and expecting to become fit and muscular," says Wiskup.

But first you have to have the humility to know that your words are not so brilliant. You can be the one who hands folks their paycheck or hold a high-ranking title. But people will not love listening to you, just because you are you, says Wiskup. Having such humility, first, will help you "explain your ideas with more energy and passion."

People will love listening to you only after you've built a strong connection with them. This is where your work begins. If you want to get their attention you must be willing to invest in the conversation, he says.

The key ingredient is painting a picture when you speak. For example, let's say you have to hold one of those difficult conversations with an underperforming worker who's about to lose his job if he doesn't shape up. You could do what most people would, giving one of those official, here's-the-situation-and-what-will-happen warnings explaining the person has 30 days to improve or else.

Or you could, as Wiskup, suggests, paint a compelling, sad picture that the person would want to avoid, convincing them you really mean it, that you've visualized the termination in your mind and can describe how much it will hurt.

You might start with: "We are going to have a conversation right now that will not be pleasant for either of us." You'd depict the unpleasant details of what's going to happen if the person doesn't improve in 30 days: How you'll hand the person his severance check and he'll pack up pictures of his family in a cardboard box, trying to avoid everyone's pitiful looks. How you'd much rather take him out to lunch in a month "to celebrate a great turn-around..." and that it's up to him to improve his performance.

The second approach, while much longer, is used by people who "know the goal is not to seek sentences with fewer words, but rather paragraphs with greater impact" that will save time and energy later.

Whether you're holding a difficult conversation, explaining your value in a job interview or giving a speech, the best way to get someone's attention is to show you're willing to invest in the conversation. When you paint a picture you demonstrate your commitment to the conversation, says Wiskup, proving you care about connecting with the person.

And when others "sense you are burning a lot of mental calories to connect with them, they will focus more on your words." You're showing them you care. That's building a connection and that's when you know they are listening to what you have to say.

© 2007 by Andrea Kay