When James Fulbright, Senator from Arkansas said, "We need the power to see ourselves as the world sees us," he offered some worthwhile career advice--that is, if you want to get ahead.

Generally, though, people prefer not to know how others see them. And rarely are we our own best judge, with most of us holding a much different view of ourselves than others have of us.

Most people think they are above average in many areas, says Dr. Miguel A. Quinones, business professor at Southern Methodist University, with evidence showing most people in organizations rate themselves higher than those who work with them.

Many of my clients are shocked when they get feedback that sizes them up in not-so-glowing terms such as being abrasive, insincere or manipulative. "They just don't know me," one woman insisted recently. But how can six people hold similar perceptions and there be nothing to it? And what happens if you ignore such feedback?

You could, as is the case of this woman who refuses to hear that others think she's pushy, lose out on a promotion--even your job.

"A minister I know is about to be fired because he thinks he's doing a great job while the church board thinks he's doing a sub-standard job," says Loren Ekroth, communications specialist. He resists feedback and "is operating in the dark when he could have made corrections. He'll be fired soon."

In an interview with Terry Gross, host of the radio program, Fresh Air, actor James Wood who observes and mimics behavior to fit a character, put it like this: "Most people are in chronic manic denial about who they really are."

To succeed in the work world, even if you don't agree with others' perceptions, you still have to deal with the reality of their perceptions, says Dr. David Cohen, author of Inside the Box.

There are three areas in which we need to know how others view us, says Wally Bock, author of Performance Talk. There's behavior--what you say or do. An example of this is a manager he worked with who was raised to show respect for authority by looking down. But in the office, this behavior made her seem weak.

There's your performance--that's the measurable result of your work. You can work long and hard and turn in good work but may not be making an impact. And there's your communication. Feedback in these areas helps you build on your strengths, make weaknesses irrelevant and fix problems that are fixable, he says.

When my clients have been open to hearing how others see them, then adjust their behavior, they have gotten promotions, raises, more responsibilities and access to key decision makers in and outside their company. Some learned that they needed to listen more, take a firm stance instead of asking opinions, show more interest when someone is talking or stop getting bogged down in details.

Bill Treasurer of Giant Leap Consulting is very thankful a former boss had the courage to tell him what no one else would: "I was a brownnoser! That bit of unfiltered feedback has made all the difference to my career," he says. "Brownnosing is ultimately about dishonesty – you laugh harder at a bosses jokes than the joke deserves. He told me that I didn't need to rely on kissing up to get ahead. I could, instead, rely on my creativity, smarts and authentic opinions. Today, I like to think, I do just that!"

The only way any of us will really know is to do what former New York Mayor Ed Koch used to do: Go around asking people "How'm I doin'?"

© by Andrea Kay

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