When people come to work each day, they don't leave their insecurities, personal problems and personality quirks at home. They come marching right into the office with them. And that's why there are so many annoying people in your workplace.

You can't change them - just as they can't change you. And it doesn't do much good to embarrass them, berate them or seek revenge when they've mistreated you. This is a matter of strategy.

Take, for example, people with exaggerated opinions of themselves. Ever work with one of them? Haughty and snooty, these intellectual snobs act as though they're doing you a favor to be with them, says Muriel Solomon, author of Working With Difficult People (Prentice Hall Press).

These so-called "condescenders" are quick to grasp problems and faster than you at seeing solutions. Once they permit you to join the discussion, they ignore your ideas and zap you with put-downs.

You can't change them, but whether it's a boss or a colleague, you don't have to put up with the rude behavior either. The first step, she says, is believing you deserve respect. You won't get it until you expect it.

Just as this person is clever and conceited, you can be clever and considerate. If this person is your boss, be ready with facts that you've triple-checked. Acknowledge that he's the boss and when you speak, move quickly and confidently and keep him informed. His condescending remarks will diminish in proportion to the amount of increased respect you earn.

You also may have run into the "left-handed complimenter" who starts off a conversation praising you and ends with a qualifying put-down. For example:

"That was a great report. Why can't you do that kind of work all the time?"

Don't react to the barb the person just threw. Divide the remark and only accept the praise:

"I'm glad you like my report. I worked hard on it, as I do on all my projects."

You don't have to take any type of insulting or condescending behavior from anyone. The catch is not to blow your stack.

If you're a manager, you've got some personalities to contend with, as well. For example, what about the employees who are so insecure that they believe that whatever goes wrong is their fault?

This "self-berater" constantly looks for reassurance, says Solomon. "They dramatize how bad they're doing so you'll contradict them. They claim blame for whatever went amiss hoping you'll grant them absolution. Their way to avoid being hurt by others is to inflict hurt on themselves before anyone else can."

You may feel tempted to reassure them over and over that they' re doing a great job. But when you compliment them, they probably can't accept it graciously. Plus, you stunt their growth if you pay their emotional blackmail, Solomon says.

Get strategic and help self-beraters become more emotionally mature. She suggests:

• Continue giving them assignments they do well. Allow them to experience a lot of little successes to bolster their self-confidence.

• Get them to talk about what's making them anxious. For instance, you've asked them to do something and they say, "I don't know if I can." You can reply with, "I know you can, so suppose you tell me what you're really concerned about."

• Explain the cost of begging for reassurance. If, after you've given a compliment, the person says, "You don't really mean it, do you?" you can say: "I don't say things I don't mean and I find it upsetting when someone doubts my words."

There are dozens of difficult personalities you'll face at work. Don't take it personally. They're not concerned about you. They're too busy worrying about their own problems. Focus on not getting sucked in and then figure out how to turn the situation around.

© by Andrea Kay